Topics That Aren't Discussed

It seems that there are things that are taboo in our culture of conversation.  Death usually is one of them; we don't sit around talking about our death and what we want to happen around those circumstances.  There are a multitude of topics that people would rather sweep under the rug, never to be seen, never to be dealt with.  But is that healthy?  What if what you were going through, could help someone else? What if the feelings you are dealing with are the same as someone else who thinks that they might be a freak for feeling the same way??  Why does everything have to be a secret?

Our family went through something that I didn't want to talk about.  After dealing with it for a few weeks, I began to think about why I didn't want to discuss it and why I avoided the topic all together so as it didn't come up.  Part of it was a desire to not be in the "spotlight" and I use that term extremely loosely.  I really didn't want to hear "i'm sorry"s either.  I didn't want to spend 5 minutes trying to convince and console someone else that I was ok.  And what are you supposed to say when someone says "I'm sorry" when something bad has happened.  I KNOW I have said that phrase before because you feel like you need to say something and that is what you come up with.  Anyways..... So instead of being healthy and maybe opening up about feelings I didn't really want to be looked at in that way.  But why was being looked at in that way so "disgraceful" to me? I don't know.

You see, at the end of February, JM, Samee and I were expecting an addition to our family.  God had other plans for our baby.  For fear of giving too much information I will keep it as pg-13 as I can.  After not having a "normal" period, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  We were really excited and compared the feelings of knowing we were pregnant now as compared to the first, we talked about names, we talked about everything in this giddy sort of way.  This was the week prior to the 4th of July weekend.  We decided to tell family after we had it confirmed by a blood test but decided not to tell the whole ENTIRE world for a little bit.  At the first doctor's appointment (where they just take family history and pick an approximate due date) I discussed with the nurse about how I was spotting a little bit here and there and was a little cramping. I was told to drink 1 -2 gallons of water a day and that spotting in the first trimester was normal.

On vacation the spotting picked up and by the time we returned home I was a little concerned because it was really almost not spotting anymore.  On the night of Thursday the 14th, I awoke with really really bad cramps and was bleeding pretty heavily.  After talking with the nurse on the phone, they booked me an ultrasound immediately.  I loaded Samee Jo up and away we went.  The ultrasound procedure went well and the tech was really nice to Samee.  I knew in my heart what was going to happen but clung to hope.
When I was called back to see my OB doctor, I could tell by the way the nurse talked to me that it wasn't good.  They talk to you like you're this fragile egg that might break. The doctor came in and used the word that you don't hear very many people say: Miscarriage.  I had a small gestational sac in my lower uterus but the tech was also of the opinion that maybe it was ectopic.  He assured me twice that it wasn't my fault and there wasn't anything I did or could have done to have prevented it....that 1 in 3 pregnancies actually end this way but women rarely notice it b/c they are only a day late and have a heavy period.  He repeated a few things to me and it was almost like he was waiting for a reaction.  I just soaked in the information.  There was no need for me to be this big mess in the doctor's office, but I think maybe he was waiting for the tears.  He wanted blood work to check hormone levels and then I was to come back in a week to make sure the levels were diminishing.  There were a few grosser parts and some things were sent to pathology to determine if they were tissue or blood or not, but I will skip that part.

So at this point, it could be a miscarriage but it could just be a weird pregnancy...doubtful but maybe.  We didn't elect for a D&C at this point because he didn't want to mess up a viable pregnancy if it was one.   The gestational sac was a little bit of a hope.

Monday or Tuesday during the day, I had a severe pain in my lower abdomen.  I couldn't hardly breathe and I knew there was no way that I was going to be able to drive myself anywhere. I called JM and he rushed home and Joy came to pick up Samee.  By the time this had happened, and the doctor had called me back the pain had stopped but I was sufficiently scared.
After seeing Dr. M this time, we discovered that my hormone levels were actually fine from the week before, but a viable pregnancy was extremely minimal with all the bleeding and cramping.  He ordered blood work again to 1) make sure I wasn't loosing too much blood - which would prompt a D&C and 2) to check hormone levels again.

The last phone call from Dr. M was the worst because it removed all doubt.  My hormone levels in a week had almost diminished to nothing.  The pregnancy was officially over and it was the final blow.

I never once really thought that it was my fault.  I just cried by myself every once in awhile.  JM and I are very science-y and biological people.  There could have been something severely wrong with that child, and my body and God knew that.  Who knows....we could discuss that point all day.  My faith was always a comfort to me throughout the ordeal.  It was very hard to get used to the idea that I wasn't pregnant.  I would think of future events and think oh I will be this many months pregnant..oh wait, I won't.  I would think about paint for a baby room, and then think I guess I can wait. 

And it is true, you grieve in different stages.  First I was very weepy and then I went through a bitter phase. I tried desperately not to be bitter.  I know of a few people from up north that are pregnant and it was hard not to be negative about it. I would just kind of center myself and remind myself I wasn't that person. My best friend in the whole world is having her baby shower on the 13th.  At first I thought that there was no way I would go, but now..... why let one bad circumstance ruin everything else that is good.

I am so wonderfully thankful for Samee Jo.  Because in that doctor's office, I just looked at her and said to myself "THAT is what I live for.  Every day, every hour, every minute." I don't have the time, or the will power to be completely dehabilitated even for a day over what could have been.

A few days after the news I had a dream.  I was in my house in Redmon and I was looking out our back window. I could see Samee, but all of  sudden a little panic hit me that I couldn't see or hear the baby anymore.  I knew that there were family members outside, but I didn't really hear them talking to or about the baby either.  I walked outside in a little bit of a hurry and there was my Nano walking across the street with my baby and laughing about how she was going next door to show the baby off. 
    That dream HURTS and HEALS all at the same time.  I know our baby is where it is supposed to be, with God and a Grandma to rock him/her until the day we get there.  Until then, I live for the living, trust in God, and love my life to the fullest.